Sunday, December 10, 2006

Temporal Perversion.

Hello one and all, my loyal readers.

Today I wanted to discuss something that was on my mind regarding collective movements towards insanity.

I have discussed personal traits exhibiting insanity, as well as singular isolative traits resulting from insanity, but I have not yet touched on unified societal insanity.

Let me start with saying this: We are all fucking insane, each and every one of us, in our own distinct, unique, and separate ways, however the fact still remains, we are all fucking nuts.

Think back to when you were a kid. Think about how easy life was. How simple life was. Think back to when police were a force you respected and never dealt with, when drugs were a scary fairy tale made up by your parents, when murder was something that only happened in the movies you weren't allowed to watch, and hate was mere jealousy or disappointment ending in a tantrum. That was how you saw the world, it was reality to you, and it was real in every sense.

But that isnt how your mentality stayed, is it? No, before long you learned the pain of death, and learned what it meant to lose someone forever. Soon after you learned what real hate was when you were cheated on, or lied to, or disrespected. And then you may have learned the power of drugs as they took you on a ride of bad trips and good times. Maybe this is when you learned the real meaning of what police represented. A mere profession of average men and women, who were legally allowed to carry guns, and ruin lives to save the world. And murder, well maybe murder is still something you watch on the news, and gossip to your friends about when it whispers near your world. Maybe you are that lucky.

My point is, that the reality you once knew and understood to be the "way things were", was perverted, distorted, warped, mangled, twisted by time itself. As time wore on, so did your psyche. Your reality skewed, your sanity changed. You warped through experience. Your reality back then would have seen your reality now as insanity, and your reality now views your reality back then as blissful ignorant insanity. Looking forward from back then you would never understand the reality that you behold as true now, and looking back now, you realize the reality you knew was nothing close to a true reality.

So its impossible to say that you have stayed sane your whole life, because you have warped, and mangled, and been temporally (**WRITING IN CRAYON** Temporally: as in, pertaining to time TEM-POUR-AL-EE) perverted. Insanity has had a good solid taste of each and every one of us. And some people taste horrible to it, while others taste sweet. The ones it likes, it consumes, and digests, and excretes back into society as outcasts, isolated by their own perverted reality. But that isnt to say that only those who were consumed by insanity are insane. We've all been licked and touched by insanity, and just because she prefers some of us to others does NOT mean that those of you who repulsed her are absolved of the fact that you too were perverted over time into something less cohesively sane.

So I would personally like to take this opportunity to welcome those of you who do not feel that you share in the insanity I claim to suffer from. Welcome from the rest of us living in a state of dismay... Welcome to the dark.

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sense meaning through poetry.

Welcome to a world so loud it never hears you moan
Welcome to a life so cold you freeze when you're alone
Welcome to your one last chance to be who you should be
Welcome to an absent mind embracing frailty

Speak the words so boldy that the world will turn to hear
Speak so loud and strong that you'll have nothing left to fear
Speak silent words of beauty to the one you hold at night
Speak only words you will defend eternally with might

Listen to the sound of looming thunder as it rolls
Listen when the ones you love decide to bare their souls
Listen to the moans just as intently as the screams
Listen knowing nothing is as simple as it seems

Smell the burning cherry as the cigarette draws dead
Smell the hash evaporate as the blackened knife turns red
Smell your lovers sweet sweet smell as she lies by your side
Smell all you can for scent is where your memory resides

Touch the burning glowing flame as your skin sheds away
Touch the heart of someone close as they share in your day
Touch the sky in acidic dreams of self dillusioned flight
Touch your lovers ruby lips and quiver at her bite

Taste the rotting stench of hate as you learn how to feel
Taste the blood upon your tongue to know that you are real
Taste your lovers tongue as you embrace reality
Taste love just once to know the taste of immortality

Farewell to a world so dead you barely dare feel life
Farewell to a world so filled with pain and horrid strife
Farewell to the ones you shared your waking moments with
Farewell most of all to love for it makes life worth it...


Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane

Friday, September 08, 2006

A topic was brought to my attention

A friend of mine discussed recently the loss of faith in the power of love. This was due to the observation that a man who was without the woman he professed to love for 4 months, and so decided to break things off. She questioned why if love exists, it is so easily manipulatred and broken. Why love only brings pain, and why bother searching for it if you most of the time find pain, not love. This was my response:

"Why do we fall?"
"So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

Perhaps what you should do is understand that MOST of the time people are selfish and will hurt the person they love, but that doesn't mean 100% of the time it is true. And even if there is only a 1% chance that true love is out there waiting to be found, it is absolutely worth the struggle and hardships to find it.

Having said that, it is difficult to see the logic behind going through constant pain and suffering to seek the remote existence of perfect love, however this is all due to a flaw in one's overall outlook on pain. If you believe that pain is nothing more than a punishment for wrong decisions, then it may be true that the search for happiness will become futile. However, if you understand that pain is NOT necessarily a bad thing in the grand scheme of things, the search becomes much more necessary. What I mean is that with every person that hurts you, and with every painful lesson you learn in the search for love, it narrows down both your expectations, as well as reservations surrounding the concept of the ideal love. It teaches you about the things you don't want, which in turn causes you to understand the things you do want.

This learning process may take months, or years, or even a lifetime, but once you've learned enough, and can seek an exact ideal, you will be able to one day accidentally bump into the person of your dreams and recognize it immediately. Without the learning, without the pain, the search simply will not work. One needs to learn the hardships in order to avoid them.

"One cannot discredit the power of love based solely on the weakness of lovers." - S.C.Holmes

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I'm a humble guy with healthy desire, Don't give me no shit because I've been tired...

Welcome all. I apologize once again for my tardiness, however sometimes the words just won't flow.

We have a plethora of things to discuss today, on a variety of different topics. In such, it is probably best that I get started right away.

It seems the content of my character has come under attack recently. What's worse is, it is under attack by faces I've never seen, and voices I've never heard. What's even worse, though, is that those attacking have yet to see my face, and have yet to hear my voice. What then is their basis for an offensive? My writing style, any spelling errors I make, any imagery I use, any poetic license I take the liberty of using, and above all, my eloquent style of speech. For the record, I am not going to claim that ANY of the afore mentioned traits are admirable in any way, but that isn't to say that I believe they are worthy of attacking. This issue is, at best, a silly pathetic melodrama that should have no influence on my mood whatsoever, but due to the repercussions of the drama, I find myself compelled to get upset. Why? Because I lack understanding. I simply do not understand what I have done to deserve such bitter hatred, and so, I am helpless to it's onslaught. Without the proper understanding for the cause of the attacks, I cannot begin to find a reasonable solution to the problem, aside from letting the attackers have their way. Even this, however, was not enough for them, as when I gave them what they want, they simply took it, and exploited me further. It bugs me to know that because their actions are unjustifiable, so is a solution. I simply give up. I guess the lesson here is to never argue with a stupid mind, as it will first drag you down to it's level, and then beat you with experience.

On a more political, and less personal topic, I would like to discuss the inherent contrary and hipocritical viewpoints of all human minds, in relation to social and political problems. The other day I was sitting smoking a cigarette, and I was thinking about a municipal problem in my city, and the solution taken by the government. A specific type of caterpillar was nesting in the trees of the city, and slowly killing them. The city's solution was immediately to "spray for caterpillars". Essentially to wipe out the entire population of the fluffy worms. It got me thinking about man's inability to stay out of nature's way. As much as we pride ourselves on not interfering with nature, we still make ridiculous "on-the-spot" decisions which greatly alter the course of nature's path. Who was on the committee who got to decide that the trees had more of a right to live than the caterpillars? On what grounds was that decision made? Now before I get comments suggesting that trees produce oxygen so we made the decision based on our own health needs, I would like to set the record straight with a statistic.
"It is estimated that between 70% and 80% of the oxygen in the atmosphere is produced by marine plants . Nearly all marine plants are single celled, photosynthetic algae."
-Ecology.com (http://www.ecology.com/dr-jacks-natural-world/most-important-organism/index.html).
With that said, a few hundered trees in a single city would do relatively NOTHING to our oxygen levels/consumption. With this in mind, I will re-ask my question. Who decided that the trees had more of a right to live than the caterpillars did? The sheer mention of the question itself insinuates that by all natural rights the caterpillars had the stronger right to live, as they were clearly dominating in the battle against the trees, which is why we decided to interfere in the first place. Honestly, I'm interested in your opinions.
Keeping with the topic of animals and nature and survival, I will pose a separate question. Do environmentalists understand the ecological impact of attempting to produce less garbage? Yes I understand that garbage isn't pretty, and that polluton is slowly killing us all, but that isn't why I am asking the question. Earth-first nuts and pro-environment picketers would defend the ecosystems of any animals that were hindered by any human action, correct? They would feel that our negative influence on the nutritional supply of a species would be wrong. Those same earth-first nuts and pro-environment picketers would also argue that our garbage production must cease as soon as possible. Do they ever stop to consider that those two basic goals may inadvertantly contradict one another in some way?
Consider this: alongisde BILLIONS of microorganisms, in this city alone I can think of four separate animals/species that depend almost entirely on our capacity to produce waste. Seagulls, Pigeons, Rats, and insects have, over the hundreds of years, associated human waste with food. They feed on our garbage. It seems absolutely ludicrus to make my claim, but that isn't to say I don't have a point. If we were to eliminate all human refuse right at this very moment, thousands of pigeons, seagulls, rats, and insects would immediately be without a massive food supply that they generally rely on without worry. If we are to assume that environmentalists are correct in believing that throwing a single wrapper on the ground could lead to a major climatic and pollutive disaster, then we can also assume that removing wrappers already placed on the ground could have a drastic negative impact as well. I guess my point is that no matter what people are arguing, and why they claim to be arguing it, it comes down to the fact that they are simply arguing it because it proliferates their ideology. They aren't arguing it because they want to help nature as much as they are arguing it because it goes with their system of beliefs. They believe they are right, and fight accordingly for their ideological systems to proliferate. This isn't to say that they aren't helping nature, they very well may be, but there is the slight chance that in their search to embellish their own beliefs they haven't fully explored the ramifications of their methods.

...In a world so fucking crazy that those with eyes just will not see, The craziest of all the blind is me...

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Oh what a tangled web we weave.

I am death
To those that fly
As I cast their last breath
From the silk in my thigh


Welcome friends.

Today, I have very little to say, but felt the need to write this down.

I was startled as I sat at my desk when a spider found its way onto my water glass. Not wanting to leave an insect crawling freely around my humble abode, I brainstormed quickly in an effort to find the most effeicient way to kill the vermon. I was, unfortunately, out of paper towel, so I decided to spray the small intruder with Axe bodyspray. The spider fell off of the glass, and proceeded to scamper quickly towards a crack between two of my desks. Realizing I had very little time to react, I quickly slammed the can of axe down as close to the crack as I could. Although most of the spider had already entered the crack, his back two legs protruded, and were crushed below the can. I dragged the can slowly backwards, pulling the spider out of the crack. Not wanting to lift the can, and have the spider scamper back into the crack, I simply continued to press down on the can, pinning the spiders back two legs. At this moment all I was compelled to do was watch. I certainly understood his dillemma, and it is obvious that he understood it as well. For the first 20 seconds, he sat perfectly still. Then, the spider slowly pulled itself with its front legs one way, then the other, then back, and forth, over and over. He had devised a plan. Slowly but surely, he succeeded in ripping off both of his back legs. Once free, he slowly edged his way towards the crack, but before he could reach the safehaven, I crushed him with a final blow of the can.

The reason I felt the need to share this with you all is because I came to a realization.

It's funny how the littlest acts in life can make you realize, you're a fucking monster.

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Feelings, sensations that you thought were dead. No squealing, remember that it's all in your head.

Hello dear friends.

I assure you, I have not forgotten about you. I have been very preoccupied with a test of will that life has handed me recently. A test to see how I deal with discomfort as a norm. Essentially, I have a health problem that more-or-less confines me to my home, for fear of embarrassment. Physicians seem to be stumped by it. They are unsure of even where to start addressing the problem. In light of their confusion, one theory has been presented which, although I am certain it is not valid, vexes my very being.

"What is this theory?” one might ask. The theory is simple: That my utterly terrifying affliction is all in my head. That I have convinced myself that I have the problem. That physically there is nothing wrong with me, but mentally I am, for some reason, causing myself physical discomfort. I assure you, I am quite certain that this is not the case, due to specific instances that seem to disprove it; however I am not one to rule out possibilities simply because I don't like them. This theory has brought me to think about a topic that is worthy of being written about in this journal. The topic? "It's all in your head".

Where to begin with this topic? With a somewhat vague understanding of how utterly complex the human mind is, I cannot begin to claim that my opinion is even worthy of the topic, however I feel that since this exact notion may be the source of my constant suffering, I am going to take the liberty of exploring the issue right here with you all. So, without further adieu, I implore you to follow me as I delve into the validity behind the theory "It's all in your head".

How is it possible for one's own self to destroy itself from the inside? Or, that question aside, why is it possible? How utterly complex is the human psyche that it can destroy itself while its conscious counterpart suffers so obviously? Almost as though one part of me is torturing another. Why then, would this happen? The running theory is that perhaps stress or an emotional situation would be causing a breakdown of communication between two distinct parts of my own self. The problem with this is that up to this point I am doing better emotionally than I have done in a long time, and as far as stress is concerned I have little to none as I lounge in the sun beside my pool. Therefore, I am officially tossing those two avenues of possibility out the proverbial window. Those theories aside, it is my belief that if it is all in my head, it is a product of self destruction. A part of me simply does not want to exist functionally in society anymore. Simply put, I am destroying myself from the inside out.

If ever I needed proof of a form of terminal insanity, this is it. Ironic as it is, whilst I searched for an understanding of such a thing as being terminally insane, I may have be stricken with that very thing.

All of that aside, I am seeking one further answer. One final understanding. I must learn one more thing. If it is indeed that this affliction is all in my head, and if it is indeed true that I am destroying my own self, the only thing I must seek to learn is…

…How do I stop it?

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Lyrical Insanity.

Welcome back my loyal and appreciated readers.

Today, I tried to build something that I have only thought about many times before. There are a multitude of songs with lines in them where the lyrics depict certain feelings of insanity that I wished to not only capture, but combine. The following is the finished product of hours of labourious lyric searching. I have posted the finished product without song names and artists under each line, and then below that I have posted the same composition complete with a credit to each line from the song and artist. Enjoy.


Lyrical Insanity

I can’t do this alone
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play
None of my pain and woe can show through
The more you shake, the more you give away

Overcome and completely silent now
He sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
I'm just the way that the doctor made me

Then my mind went dark
But all the things that you've seen they slowly fade away
There's beauty in the breakdown
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

And I don't want the world to see me ‘cause I don't think that they'd understand
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
I've had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games

I am the voice inside your head
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
My disease my infection I am so impure
It is not that I am scared to learn why I'm empty inside

Help me I broke apart my insides
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
Now I'm standing in the rain Water soaking through my brain
Best to keep things in the shallow end Cause I never quite learned how to swim

The further I go the less I know
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
All these things will one day take control
There's a shadow hanging over me

Wish I'd died instead of lived, a zombie hides my face
Every time I start to believe, something’s raped and taken from me
I see everything I’ve done I think I could have been someone
And happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
I was bruised and battered and I couldn’t tell what I felt
When everything seems like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive

In your head, they are dying
You were from a perfect world a world that threw me away today
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
This was never my world you took the angel away

Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I can feel the subliminal need to be one with the voice and make everything alright

What have I become my sweetest friend?
The shade is a tool, a device, a saviour
Yesterday I was dirty, wanted to be pretty I know now that I’m forever dirt
I’d have to check my mirror to see if I’m still here

All I know is no one dies I'm still confusing love with need
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
It’s a false sense of accomplishment Every time I quit
Forever haunted, more than afraid

Born and raised by those who praise Control of population
Wrap that guilt up deep inside
It's clear in my head that I’m screaming for something
I’m all alone in a world you must despise


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I can’t do this alone.
(Exit Music – Radiohead)
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
(Sunrise Sunset – Bright Eyes)
None of my pain and woe can show through
(Behind blue eyes – Limp Bizkit)
The more you shake, the more you give away
(Cold but I’m still here – Evans blue)

Overcome and completely silent now
(The noose – A Perfect Circle)
He sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
(Heresy – Nine Inch Nails)
Say hello to the shrinking in your head
(The nurse who loved me – A Perfect Circle)
I'm just the way that the doctor made me
(Thank you fore the venom – My Chemical Romance)

Then my mind went dark
(A lover I don’t have to love – Bright Eyes)
But all the things that you've seen they slowly fade away
(Don’t look back in anger – Oasis)
There's beauty in the breakdown
(Let go – Frou Frou)
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away
(Into the void – Nine Inch Nails)

And I don't want the world to see me ‘cause I don't think that they'd understand
(Iris – Goo Goo Dolls)
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
(I’m so tired – The Beatles)
If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made
(Virtual insanity – Jamiroquai)
I've had enough of the world and its people’s mindless games.
(Pardon me – Incubus)

I am the voice inside your head
(Mr. Self destruct – Nine Inch Nails)
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
(Hello – Evanescence)
My disease my infection I am so impure
(Reptile – Nine Inch Nails)
It is not that I am scared to learn why I'm empty inside.
(Black orchid – Blue October)

Help me I broke apart my insides
(Closer – Nine Inch Nails)
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
(Passive – A Perfect Circle)
Now I'm standing in the rain Water soaking through my brain
(Strange disease – Prozzak)
Best to keep things in the shallow end Cause I never quite learned how to swim
(Blue – A Perfect Circle)

The further I go the less I know
(Mosquito song – Queens Of The Stone Age)
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
(Basketcase – Greenday)
All these things will one day take control
(Street spirit – Radiohead)
There's a shadow hanging over me,
(Yesterday – The Beatles)

Wish I'd died instead of lived A zombie hides my face
(Bother – Stonesour)
Every time I start to believe, something’s raped and taken from me
(Freak on a leash – Korn)
I see everything I’ve done I think I could have been someone
(Sunspots – Nine Inch Nails)
And happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me
(And all that could have been – Nine Inch Nails)

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
(In the end – Linkin Park)
Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
(The outsider – A Perfect Circle)
I was bruised and battered and I couldn’t tell what I felt
(Streets of Philidelphia – Bruce Springstein)
When everything seems like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive
(Iris – Goo Goo Dolls)

In your head, they are dying
(Zombie – The Cranberries)
You were from a perfect world a world that threw me away today
(Coma white – Manson)
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
(A long December – Counting Crows)
This was never my world you took the angel away
(Coma black – Manson)

Seems like salvation comes only in our dreams.
(Terrible lie – Nine Inch Nails)
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
(Broken – Seether)
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
(Mad world – Gary Jules)
I can feel the subliminal need to be one with the voice and make everything alright
(Voices - Disturbed)

What have I become my sweetest friend?
(Hurt – Nine Inch Nails)
The shade is a tool, a device, a saviour
(My own summer – Deftones)
Yesterday I was dirty Wanted to be pretty I know now that I’m forever dirt
(The nobodies – Manson)
I’d have to check my mirror to see if I’m still here
(Nothing to lose – Billy Talent)

All I know is no one dies I'm still confusing love with need
(Metal – Nine Inch Nails)
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
(Help – The Beatles)
It’s a false sense of accomplishment Every time I quit
(Pain – Jimmy Eat World)
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
(This time imperfect – Afi)

Born and raised by those who praise Control of population
(Californication – Red Hot Chilli Peppers)
Wrap that guilt up deep inside
(Don’t pray for me – Manson)
It's clear in my head that I’m screaming for something
(On my own – The Used)
I’m all alone in a world you must despise
(Terrible lie – Nine Inch Nails)

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Well, there it is. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed making it.

Truly Yours,
The Terminally Insane.